Part 73
Kohaku---san, tries, to get in my way, to stop me from leaving.
"----"
...... I can understand why.
Even if I go out with this headache, I might very well collapse somewhere.
That's why she wants me to stay here.
But I won't listen.
"...... Shut...... up."
Why?
For no reason at all, I thought.
I thought that if I didn't see Senpai now, I'll never see her again normally.
It's hard not to feel bad for Kohaku after having done her path 
...... Everything gets hazy.
Is it because of this nausea?
I feel like I... am not me.
"------Sen, pai."
I look around me.
Where is----she?
My mind is dizzy and I can't find her.
I'm pretty sure this is the only screen in the game where you see her in that outfit."-----"
That's silly. She shouldn't worry about that.
"Oh, Tohno-kun---!?"
...... Uck. I feel sick.
But I'm glad I came.
I got to see Senpai in her normal clothes, so I have to bear this dizziness, and we have to have fun together-----
Fun 
Music: play track 1
Wooo! Score one for Shiki! "Huh---?"
Moving my head, I look around me.
This is my room, and it's night outside.
Hisui is here, and she must have been watching over me as I slept.
Your friend from school called here and carried you back to the mansion."
"----Oh. That means, I"
didn't get to have a threesome with Arihiko after all.Pushed aside Kohaku-san like that, and lost consciousness.
"...... I'm an idiot. I can't possibly face Kohaku-san now."
He said it this time, not me.Another headache arrives along with my regret.
...... My body seems to have gotten a little better, but my headache doesn't go away.
"...... Hisui. What, happened to me?"
"Please relax, Shiki-sama. It does not seem to be serious. Nee-san has prepared some medicine, so if you seem to have a headache, please drink it."
Hisui carries a silver tray with some water and the medicine Kohaku-san prepared.
I don't want your foul candy 
"Thanks to the goodwill of Makihisa-sama, Nee-san received training in pharmacy.
Until Makihisa-sama passed away, she also was consulted in maintaining his health."
Hisui's face returned to its usual lack of expression and tells me things I didn't even ask about.
"Gh............!"
Sharp pain stabs through my head.
Even though I'm in this much pain, she seems to be tending me without even batting an eyelash.
...... Well, that's only to be expected.
I'm the one in pain, not her.
If she acted like she was in pain or had a clouded expression, it would be troublesome.
"Gh----!"
"Shiki-sama, are you still in pain?"
"---Sorry Hisui."
"Yes, what is it?"
"You're an eyesore, so please leave. I can't sleep with you here."
Add two notches to Shiki's belt of compliments. We now have "You're an eyesore" and "I can't sleep with you here.""----I understand, then please excuse me. If you need anything, please call for me."
Hisui leaves the room.
With that, I actually do relax.
My headache also weakens, so maybe I can sleep now.
Music: stop
........................
..............................
....................................
..........................................
Knock-knock. The door opens.
"---Excuse me, Nii-san. Are you awake?"
"...... Yeah, I'm up. You need something, Akiha?"
"No, I heard you were resting because of your anemia, so I just came to see how you were doing."
She looks over at me as I lie in bed.
A soft gaze that tells me she's worried.
...... To be honest, it's annoying as hell.
"I'm fine. It's not that bad, that's why I'm resting here by myself. Go back to your room, Akiha."
"---Nii-san, what are you saying?
It's already dinnertime you know. I came here to tell you that."
"...... I understand. Please get your rest. But Nii-san, if you are awake, please turn the lights on in your room. Your eyes will go bad in the dark."
"---I'm fine. I can relax this way."
".................."
Even though her eyes tell me she wants to say more, she leaves the room.
".................."
I'm so irritated.
Hisui's reactions, Akiha's worried eyes, they all seem to treat me as something fragile.
Isn't this like always?
It's not like I'm coughing up blood or sucking up blood, so why can't they just leave me alone?
----Grit.
In the darkness, I hear myself grinding my teeth.
"............"
My nerves are fraying, I know that.
If I stay awake like this, I'll become completely depressed.
I'm not tired, but I have to sleep.
Music: play track 6
No one is walking the streets.
Did I mistake the time?
If I started walking around an hour earlier, I wouldn't have had to work so hard.
Dragging, walking.
What makes this dragging sound,
isn't my walking,
but something else.
The time was right.
If I started walking an hour earlier, I never would have been able to walk like this.
Dragging,
With one hand gripping the woman's hair, I continue to walk.
Long hair. Because she looked like Akiha, I chose this woman. Not her face, but I liked her hair.
Gripping my knife in one hand, I draw my mouth closer---
Music: stop
After seeing that dream, I wake up.
"-----!"
I wake up from my sleep and my mind starts to clear.
My throat is horribly parched and my entire body feels excited.
"What---kind of dream......"
was I watching?
I can't believe it.
Leaving at night, knocking a woman I don't know unconscious, and dragging her to an alley.
That's just plain wrong.
Because it was in a dream, it is okay, but I'd have to be crazy to do that in reality.
My panting fills the room.
I have to catch my breath.
Rubbing my eyes, I take a deep breath.
...... After that, I don't think I can go back to sleep.
Turning on the light, I decide to read a book until morning.
"-----------Wha......"
I gasp.
This isn't my room.
A back alley.
Knife in hand.
In front of me,
lies an unconscious woman I don't know.
"Ha-----------"
What,
What am I doing?
Isn't this a dream?
Isn't this what I dreamt before?
But, for no reason---I'm thinking, that I have to do it.
Take her apart.
Take her apart.
Take her apart.
Take her apart.
If I do that,
I can be released, and become something unable to be bound by anyone.
Come to think of it,
there was someone that said something like that before.
---You're the same. You, like me, will end up as a killer, Tohno Shiki.
"............ up!"
---Just admit it, killer.
Your inversion impulse is nothing more than what you wish for---
"Shut...... up!"
If this isn't a dream, and if this is reality,
doesn't that mean I'm crazy, like I thought earlier?
"----Mm."
Her eyelids flutter.
She starts to open her eyes.
Before that,
I have to chop her apart, or I---
"Ah."
My knife moves.
But that's,
"...... Who are you?"
I can hear her voice.
She suddenly realizes the knife next to her throat.
Scary.
That's scary.
Scarier than any of the things that have happened until now.
My fingertips shake crazily. It's just sliding a simple metal piece, but I can't do it.
*pant* *pant* *pant*
I'm scared.
If I don't lock the door quickly, it will come in.
Some unknown thing will come in.
"Gh............!"
I have to, lock the door.
I can't let it come in this room.
I can't let it leave this room.
But no matter how long I try, I can't even lock the door.
That's when it hits me.
I've been crazy all along.
I feel so sick, I cut all of them I see.
This bed. This picture frame. This dresser. This nightstand. This curtain. This wall. This leg- fuck, ow.I feel just a little better.
Only during the instant I cut things apart does my heart feel at ease.
But the more I cut, the thirstier I get.
*pant* *pant* *pant*
I know what I'm thirsty for.
I'm thirsty for everything.
Everything I see is pissing me off.
They look miserable.
I can't forgive that they are living meaninglessly even though they have death built in them.
Why don't they die? They all have an end they can't escape, so why do they still exist like that?
If it will end anyway---where is the meaning in existence?
Everything I see is ghastly.
But if I close my eyes, all I can remember is the sensation of killing.
The sensation of a hard, unbloodied blade,
softly uniting with pulsing flesh.
There can't be a greater stimulation for a human than that.
A terrible sensation that almost makes me want to bite my tongue off.
It doesn't matter if it is a positive or negative feeling.
I want to destroy everything,
kill everything.
I know that's wrong, but I don't think I can hold it in.
My body is filled with excitement; I'm about to go insane.
"Shiki-sama, are you awake?"
"----!"
I can hear Hisui's voice from the other side of the door.
"Shiki-sama, it is not good if you keep the door locked. If you are awake, please open the door."
"............ Op...... en............?"
Open the door?
Open the door and let Hisui inside?
---You must be kidding me.
If that happened, I don't know what I would do.
Like this---if I stay alone like this, lying in bed with the curtains shut, I can stave off the desires that threaten to overtake my mind.
That's why, if Hisui comes in here, I'll---
"---Shut up! Leave me alone!"
I scream at the door.
"...... Shiki-sama? Are you not feeling well?"
"I said leave me alone......! I'm fine, so just leave me alone......!"
If she---came in this room, something I couldn't take back would happen.
"............"
After a deep silence, I hear her footsteps.
Quietly, she walks away from the door.
The book that was always beside my pillow isn't there.
The book written in English ...... I definitely can't read it, but it was a way to kill time.
I search but I can't find it.
I can't find it.
I frantically try to remember what the cover looked like.
But I can't.
*pant* *pant* *pant*
"The book---the book."
Come to think of it,
Why did I even put that book by my pillow?
I don't know. I don't even remember bringing it here.
I don't know where I brought it from.
In the first place---did that book even exist?
When I played through this, I had been wondering why Roa conveniently left his journal next to Shiki's pillow. 
...... Really, you may have not realized it.
Roa said such words.
DREAM---dream.
But, I don't see those kinds of dreams.
In the first place, I don't have that strange knowledge inside of me.
There's no reason for me to have that dream.
That, isn't my dream.
You may have not realized it.
"----Shut, up."
*pant* *pant* *pant*
Then what is that?
Since when the hell did I start having dreams that belonged to another person?
You're already dead, you bastard, so stop your incessant calling out.
I'm---different from you.
I'm not a killer.
I'm just confused by all the after-effects.
Since Ciel-senpai came back, I won't allow myself to go mad over something like this.
---Yeah, I also thought so at first.
Even if this Roa came in---
"---I told you to shut up......!"
*pant* *pant* *pant*-----
...... I breathe heavily.
The sunlight pisses me off.
My throat. My throat is so dry, I'm about to go insane.
"Shiki-sama......! What are you doing, Shiki-sama!?"
I hear Hisui's voice across the door.
...... I can't even answer.
Words. I can't even remember, my words.
I want to violate, violate any female.
I start to lust crazily.
"Uwaaaa----!"
My head. I bang my head against the wall.
Over and over, as if I was trying to split it.
But still---the thought of me slicing apart Hisui doesn't disappear from my brain.
Bam. Bam. I hit my head on the wall.
As if she was trying to compete with it, Hisui knocks harder on the door.
*pant*, *pant*, *pant*----
I see.
This impulse.
This impulse that tries to drive me insane while leaving me conscious.
This is,
This is Roa.
I finally understand.
That dream was the memory of the Roa one generation before mine.
Locked up in her room, killing both her parents, ruling over her town as a vampire, the final memories of someone I don't know.
"------"
...... There's no way out.
This is not a problem that can be solved by killing myself.
This is nothing that can be helped.
I understand that previous person's feelings.
Even if I die, the only thing to die would be my will. Then the will of Roa would take over my body completely.
If that happened---things would get much worse.
"Ha---haha, ha."
...... In the first place, I don't have the slightest intention of killing myself.
"Shiki-sama, please open up, Shiki-sama!"
I hear her voice from behind the door.
"At least stop blasting Linkin Park, it is troubling Akiha-sama!"...... It almost sounds like it was in another language.
Music: stop
It's now ten in the morning.
Hisui gave up and went back.
Akiha and Kohaku-san came and took turns knocking but I ignored them.
Twelve o'clock.
...... I'm hungry.
But, I'm still fine.
I pull the sheets over me and hug my shaking body.
Two o'clock.
...... I'm dying of thirst.
I've lost all sense of time.
It feels very calm.
But as if I was taking stimulants, my body wants to rage around.
Four o'clock.
...... More knocking.
A name being called out.
Whose voice is that? Whose name are they calling? I can't tell.
Seven o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
---Someone, comes by.
"Shiki-san, I've brought you dinner. You haven't had anything since this morning, so you'll collapse you know."
Kohaku's voice.
She knocks on the door.
"Geez, if that's how it is, I'll get you to at least eat."
A rattling sound.
Not knocking, but the sound of a lock opening.
